Permission to Breakdown
This is the truth...
I spend my daily life immersed in personal development. I live it, breath it and teach it. And even with all 'the work/practice' I do and all the support I have (coaches, mentors, teachers, my partner, my friends, my students, and so on) I still have days and even weeks where I feel just totally down and out.
One thing for sure that I know...
Doing 'the work' and having support doesn't make you perfect. It doesn't make it so you don't make mistakes anymore or wake up one day with all the answers to all your questions.
In fact, sometimes 'the work' pulls to surface darkness in you that you didn't know was still there. Sometimes it wakes up a fierce loneliness or rage that makes you feel ashamed and restless or exhausted.
Last week I watched this incredible talk by by Marisa Peer, called The Biggest Disease Affecting Humanity, "I'm Not Enough." After you finish reading this I highly recommend you GO HERE to watch it. It's 42 minutes long.
At the end she mentions that she promises it will radically shift your world if you focus your attention every day on three words, I AM ENOUGH. So I made it an experiment. I posted about it on social media, I made the words I AM ENOUGH my screen saver, I turned those 3 words into a mantra, repeating them over and over again in my mind. I AM ENOUGH I AM ENOUGH I AM ENOUGH.
For about 3 days I felt empowered and energized. And then the strangest thing started to happen. I started to feel very small. I started to feel confused and even angry. All I wanted to do was sleep. I wasn't happy. It was as if there was an intense inner battle between my old belief, "I'm NOT Enough" and the new one I was powerfully imprinting, 'I AM Enough." The old belief was holding on tight. It was scared after 3 days because it saw I was serious. It was fighting for it's existence.
I realized this and I realized I needed to stop resisting it because I know all too well that what we resist, persists. I din't fight back. I let it rage a little. I listened to it without taking it to heart. I wasn't deciding to let it win, I just wasn't resisting it. I was giving it space to have a bit of a tantrum. Have you ever done that before or seen how a child does that? And then afterwards, what is left? Well, not much of what was there before...because the energy was given permission to pass.
Here is a post I made just a couple of days ago (Saturday, May 7, 2016):
Permission to be with whatever it is you are dealing with. Permission to be moody, to be sad, to be tired, to be overwhelmed. Permission to not know why and not try to fix it. Permission to feel ugly, small, unworthy, not enough. Permission to cry, to rage, to feel things that annoy and scare you. Permission to experience any or ALL of this without making it mean anything at all about who you are. Permission to be with it...so you can truly give it space to move the fuck on and out of you. That's my mood today. How about you? Sending the message that You Are Enough. #youareenough #iamenough #letitgo #livepowerfully
So I did just that. I gave myself permission to be with what was and didn't make it mean anything at all about who I am. Every so often I would gently pick up the mantra again. Softer this time and not as long. I would also remind myself, 'this too will pass,' when it felt very heavy or tiring.
Then later that night I had a pretty hardcore breakdown (which was really a breakthrough). I ended up crying hysterical with my partner about all the ways I feel I'm not worthy, I'm not enough, and I'm afraid that I'm a fraud. I cried so hard and so long that when it was over I just felt... still.
Here is a post I made just two days later (Monday, May 9, 2016):
Back on track! Starting my day with a green juice and yoga with my lovely partner. 😍 Last week was an emotionally hard week for me. I could go on and on about all the reasons why but here's the thing - it doesn't matter. This is life. We have moments where we feel inspired, "on path", purposeful, energized...and we have moments where we feel sad, angry, confused, and not enough. Instead of trying to figure it out or fix it immediately I let myself be where I was. My breakdown (and breakthrough) happened Saturday night. This is what I know. Our bodies and minds store old memories, fears, and worries and when we are doing the work to move beyond those stories often times these old patterns/ways of thinking (ex: I'm not enough) will put up a fight before truly letting go. I didn't fight back this time. I let it express itself, I let it show me truly, truly...that I no longer need that part of me to survive. I let it speak its mind and now today I step back into the one thing I always have by my side, my strongest weapon. Choice.
Cheers to radical honesty and a knowing that we can find light in the dark places too. No running away from anything.
PS. You Are Enough. We all are.
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